07 November 2007

Dumb Ass










Last time at Thirbearsty I learned what happens when my ass turns off the grain mill mid mash-in.

So there I was, whistling along, dumping bag after bag of malt into the big, loud grain mill. You have to turn the thing on before beginning, that I knew. Why that was the case I really didn't care to understand, but my ass decided to teach me a lesson. I had just dumped an entire bag of pale malt into the mill when I backed up right into the on/off switch. The contraption whirred down to a halt. It took me a moment to realize what I had done, and even once I did I had no panic, for I had no idea what the repercussions may be. I tried pressing the on button of course, but just got the electric hum of a device stuck in neutral. At that point I left the grain room and hollered up to Brewer Bear, who was stirring the mash in the brewery room.

"Hey B!" I called up, trying to sound casual and confident.
"What's up?" he replied.
"I, uh.." how to phrase this now? "I accidentally turned off the mill." No mention of asses.
"Shit," he replied simply. "Is there malt in it?"
"Yeah," I said, as the seriousness finally started to sink in.
"Fuck," he answered. Things got more quiet from that point on.

The next half hour was spent with B trying to remember how to disassemble the entire grain mill apparatus to release the trapped grains, and me trying to not make jokes to ease the tension in the tiny little room. The mash up top was enjoying a nice, steamy rest while we got to know that machine intimately.

Turns out that the mill consists of two big, grooved metal rollers that almost touch. The grain simply falls down between the objects and gets crushed, the severity of which is controlled by how close together you set those rollers. There is also a strong magnet that traps any metallic foreign matter that is along for the ride. You can imagine metal rollers trying to crush metal particulate could be crunchy.

And I wouldn't have known any of this if my ass hadn't gotten in the way. What should my ass turn off next week?